Well, what do you do when you’re going crazy for somebody else? And you don’t feel like there is anybody you can talk to about it? Its like a battle of what-ifs vs. some strange brand of ‘security’. I guess I just keep thinking… “Is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?”
Well, the answer is a resounding no. But its hard to hurt the people you love in order to make yourself happy.
Its like this, its like I’ve been hardwired and moulded in my life to try and make those around me happy. That it is virtuous to be self-sacrificing. But also equally so to work hard.
Its like going through the family program at AFM and realizing that I’m a co-dependent… and it terrified me (still does) to think of how much these behaviours have pervaded my personal life. Its hard to be focused on my own happiness … and I don’t think I’m really happy. And I know that he isn’t happy either … which totally brings me down. I guess I wish he would just let us end it peacefully. But, I don’t think he’s ready yet. I’ve been ready for years.
I want to go camping, I want to go to festivals, I want to have the time of my life. He’s holding me back. No, I let him hold me back. *sigh* This is all so stupid.
But then there’s all the “complication”. The house, my stuff, (but its only stuff, I keep trying to remind myself) the buns. I like his family … we’re living in what used to be his grandparent’s house afterall. More than half of it belongs to me afterall, but its really not about the money. There’s just so much PRESSURE! Ick! I don’t hate him, he is my best friend … but I can’t be his partner for the rest of my life. I just can’t. Its gonna get ugly and uncomfortable before it gets better. :(
Maybe things will feel better after I just take care of it all? I just want to feel like ME again. I lost her quite a few years ago, I think. She tries to come back sometimes, I know that I am still there somewhere and that I have to stop suffocating myself. Maybe that’s why I keep myself so busy all the time.
